Writing about the writer

Day 28:

Met with a columnist from the Sunday Times for a coffee.  He earlier had sent me an email saying, "why, oh why, would an attractive 27 year-old woman advertise her desperation for all to see on the Internet?"  The word "desperation" came up a few times in his email.  I met with him, partly because I was annoyed that a columnist in South Africa was not encouraging my literary creativity -( something I think, is sorely lacking among the younger generation ), and partly because I wanted to put a face to the name - he writes a funny, somewhat arb column.

Ive been reading his column religiously and had come up with my own impression of what he looks like...40ish, chubby and jovial.  Not so..no-ho-ho!

Turns out Columnist is a broody, 31yr old.  Johnny Depp looking, Joshua Jackson personality, eyes the colour of the waters off the Seychelles coast..or blue like a blue ipod (if you've never seen the waters off the Seychelles coast) He had this deep, dark look about him, like the inside of a coal miners lungs.  

His views on dating, marriage and life are revolutionary.  He doesn't believe in the concept of having just one love in your lifetime - you can have a few of them..at the same time even..hmmm, I'm trying to find a corner in my mind to stuff that thought - but I just watched Avatar, so the confusion index is already too high to process any other non-conventional ideas.

As a last word,  I was finally able to free girl-dog's head from the trellidor. (not without taking a few cute photos though)

35 years later!

Day:  26

Today is my parent's 35th wedding anniversary.  I asked my dad what the best part of the last 35 years was - he said, "Babe, having you girls, of course" - My parents call both myself and my sister "babe" or "doll".  I think they've forgotten our names.  I figure, having a poor memory, is paramount to having a successful marriage.

He's just Peachey

Day 24:


My friend Peachman lives in the UK.  His surname sounds like "peach", so it was either that I called him Peachman or Fruit-fly.  I gave him the choice.

I met Peachman through my ex 6 years ago.  He is exactly 10years and 1 month older than me.  He was down in Joburg this week so we met for dinner at 8@the Towers on Maude Road.  We both had some excellent sushi.  Dessert was disappointing - the chocolate fondant was burnt.

Peachman is single, never been married, no kids and is a serial dater, looking for "The One" - I see him as my male counterpart.  He recently moved to the UK, so I don't get to see him very often.  I'm very comfortable around him and conversation flows easily between us.  Over the years I've watched a Pied-Piper-like trail of women follow him around.  4 hours into dinner, I couldn't help but notice my strong attraction to him.  This comes as a great relief seeing that I have felt NO attraction to any guy Ive met in the last 2 months!

I'm in London in a few weeks and promised to contact him when I'm there.

Walking back to the car after midnight, we were approached by a crippled guy - I thought he was faking it - begging.  He looked quite dodgy, Peachman seems unconcerned, but I felt much better once we reached the car - I didn't want to be stabbed by a faux invalid in the Sandton back alleys.

Eying the Eye-Doctor

Day 23:

Boss-lady said to me, today, that we spend so much time, and do so much research when choosing a house or a car or which university to attend - how come people aren't that fussy and are prepared to settle when it comes to their partners?  Now you might think that boss-lady is a bit airy-fairy from my last post about her, but shes one of the smartest, most practical people I know.  At 34 shes an accomplished actuary, businesswoman and one of my closest friends.

With those inspiring thoughts I decided to be a bit pro-active about my approach.  For the past month, all Ive done is accept invitations - perhaps I should do the inviting?

There's this guy I really like- I mean really really like.  I'd be happy to add him on as a spouse on my Discovery medical aid, and run the risk of losing my newly-achieved Diamond status, which took me three years to get to! (thats how much I like him)

We've been friends for about 7 years now and met when we were both at university, ..we also went out on a few dates years ago.

After doing some light stalking of his Facebook profile-and discovering that he's single-I've decided to "casually" pop by for a visit.  Both of us own apartments in the same complex, I don't live there but Ive recently been doing some renovations there.

He's got everything I'm looking for, cant think of anything more that I'd want..- has a JAY OH BEE, loves travelling, and our dogs have the same name (coincidentally).  What more could I ask for?...he's also wickedly funny, attractive, modest, kind, smart and we are good friends. (but that's secondary to the dogs bit)

Boss lady and and right-hand-side colleague say I should grow some balls and just ambush him..so one of the nights this week I'm gonna jump out of the bushes when he's driving back from work lol :)

Mr Lip-Ice

Day 22:

Last night I went to Pigalle in Sandton Square with Mr PE - (to be re-christened "Mr Lip-Ice").  This is the first time we met as both singles.  Dinner was weird - his conversation seemed too rehearsed.  He kept applying and re-applying his Lip-Ice.  This aggravated me to no end.  Anyway the long and short of it was that I had a balsamic fillet and a creme brulee.  He had lip-ice, a greek salad, lip-ice, chicken-something, lip-ice, chocolate mousse cake, lip-ice..(you get the picture). The one really nice thing, though, was that he remembered exactly what I was wearing the first time we met.

I went back to my car to find the driver's door scratched.  Obviously some idiot hit it while getting into or out of the bay next to me. No note was left - I would have left a note - its the right thing to do, right?

Anyway, Mr Lip-Ice wants to stay an extra day in Joburg to go out to the movies. I would have gone with but I have to wash my hair tonight.

You're how old?

Day 21:


Mr PE and I met about a year ago at the Annual Nelson Mandela lecture.  Professor Muhammad Yunus was the guest speaker.  I've been to 6 of these lectures now, and his was, by far, the best.  I was there with my ex and Mr PE was there alone.  My ex is nearly 15 years older than me and we dated for quite a few years.  Last year he left me alone at the buffet table while he schmoozed with the pseudo-sophisticated, Armani-clad, BEE-card toting types there.

Mr PE kept me company till the ex came back.  I really like Mr PE - he made several "casual" trips to the dessert table for me, so that it didn't look like I had eaten 18 mini eclairs.  We have been friends ever since, and I try to meet him for dinner/drinks whenever he is in Joburg.  We're going out to dinner on Tuesday night - will update the blog then.

Lessons in the art of dating(3): Send her this poem

Day 20:

Nothing much happened today..
Check out my favourite poem...South African poet..best read with some haunting music in the background.


The Deep

by Nicolette Lombard


I put this pen to paper knowing that your eyes may never see,
your mind may never turn to understand these words
that shape my emotions...
they will remain deep inside me and they will burn...
Do you lay alone in the darkness and shut your eyes to think of me?
And when you do, how deep do you go?
Do you let your spirit travel into the depths of the complex collision
of emotional tides which is the core of who I am?
Do you dare to let your soul peer into this deep encaustic embroidery
of experience that makes up my past?
Do you allow your thoughts to travel the wide open plains to the very
corners of my mind because your longing for me drives you to know me?
And in the darkness when your eyes are closed and all outside entities
are alien to the secrets you hold in your thoughts of me, does your
body cry with craving to embrace and control and consume me?
Does the blood in your veins burn with a passion unsurpassed by mere
desire and equalled only by raw need to feel yourself move inside me?
Does one solitary thought of me vibrate your entire being?
I ask only because this is how you move me.

Lessons in the art of dating(2): Encourage her to spend time with her sister

Day 19:

Doctor Sister and I are the only siblings.  She is two years older than me, married with 2 wonderful men in her life - her husband and my gorgeous 6 month old nephew.  Doctor Sister works horrendous shifts at Greys hospital in Pietermaritzburg, so my visits with her need to be well co-ordinated.

Tip to guys (listen carefully):  If there's something you don't like about your girlfriend's/wife's appearance, encourage her to spend time with her sister.

Here's the thing about sisters - the are THE ONLY people, (Not girlfriends - there's an unwritten rule, that even girlfriends cannot cross this line.  Not mothers - they don't have the credibility to give fashion advice.  Not you - unless you have a death wish) who can tell a woman that she needs to lose weight, needs to dress better, and that she needs a facial, without hurting her feelings.

Doctor Sister gave me the once-over and seemed minimally satisfied...mentioned something about nail-polish and "what's with that T-shirt"..my defence (that I was coming to see my 6 month old nephew and knew that in less than an hour I would be covered in spit, purity and whatever else babies regurgitate) didnt fly with her.

As a warning guys, not only will she encourage her sister (your girlfriend/wife) to buy a few designer labels and drop a few pounds; she'll also tell her how great a catch she is and how she can do so much better than you :)

Bumming it in Ballito

Part of the coastline just north of Ballito

Day 18:

Last night I caught a flight to lazy La Mercy, to spend a week with my family and catch up on some surf.  I grew up in a small town along the Natal North Coast, and really do miss the beach when I'm in Joburg.

This morning my mum and I went for massages - I'm not sure if I imagined it but my dad seemed slightly hurt that he wasn't invited to come along, even though we called it a "girl's day spa".  To make up for this, I agreed to go fishing with him.

Not having any sons didn't stop my father from passing on all his "manly knowledge" to my sister and me.  We both know how to gut a fish, bait a hook and gently reel in a 10kg Garrick.  I could tell the difference in play of a Garrick, Salmon and Snapper long before I knew the difference between stilettos, pumps and sling-backs.

Didn't catch anything, but Daddy said he almost got a whopper of a snapper.

Lessons in the art of dating (1): Dont run in front of moving cars

Day 17

Right-hand-side colleague (she sits to the immediate right of me) invited me to her birthday party over the weekend.  I put on three-quarter jeans, grey suede stilettos and a metallic leather jacket and drove the 50km to Pretoria.

Pass the prison, watch out for the speed cameras and swing a right into Roussouw.  These were the directions I was given.

I had a great evening, met wonderful new people (even arranged to meet a few of the girls again) and had some good food at a little restaurant called Tutti's.  I did notice a certain guy at the party but didn't speak to him there..as an aside, its very difficult to interact with someone who sits in the middle of a long table - corner seats are better for socialising.

I left around 11pm - the party continued - but I didn't want to make the long drive back too late.  As I was driving out, guy-from-the-party-who-I-didn't-speak-to (to be known as GFTPWIDST from here on) ran in front of my car.  Now let me remind you, I live in Gauteng, the crime capital of the world.  If a guy runs in front of my car, the knee-jerk reaction would be to run him over..he's most likely a hi-jacker.

Luckily I recognised him as GFTPWIDST..we chatted a bit at the car.  He asked if I would want to meet for drinks.  I told him to get my contact details from right-hand-side-colleague.  He said that he didn't really know her, and sort of crashed the party.  Hmmm..does that sound dodgy to you?

Turns out GFTPWIDST works at the company I previously worked for, so I thought that gave him some credibility.  I gave him my cell number, and drove off - past the prison, past the speed cameras and onto the N1.

Didata: Part 2

Day 16

Didata called to ask me out for dinner - I happily accepted, mainly because I was working late and the thought of going home to make dinner was enough to make me not want to eat at all.  We went to Ninos in Rosebank, for a quick pasta.

After two dates with Didata, I know for sure, he's not the one for me.  I cant fault him at all - he's a fantastic guy, well-mannered, good-looking and meets all the minimum requirements of a having a job, clean criminal and credit record (don't ask how I know this)  But it just isn't enough..I'm trying to think of a legitimate reason for saying this, but I feel that me saying that it isn't enough for me, is enough.

If I changed perspective, and thought of it as dinner with a friend, then it was a great night.  Didata seems really keen on "us",..but I'm not.  He is apparently a great cook and has since invited me to his place for a home-cooked meal.  My favourite meal at that!

To eat: perchance to dream: ay, there 's the rub:
For in that meal of false hopes what dreams may come,

Would it be rude to ask for a take-away?

Didata: Part 1

Day 15

Finally went on the blind date with Didata.  He is sweet, well-mannered and easy-going.  Doesnt look like anything more than friendship, however it only been one date.  Think he'd make a good friend, though.  The whole experience was comfortable enough to warrant a repeat, so when he phoned the next day to ask me out for dinner, I didnt use my usual "have to wash my hair" excuse.

Also met an old friend of mine at the restaurant - we made plans to meet soon as well.

ET go home

 Day 12, 13 and 14

Once a month, every month, for about 3 days, everyone around me goes crazy.  I have no idea why they behave like this.  Its like they turn into some sort of alien species- and these are people who are otherwise perfectly normal.  They do the most annoying things, say the most irritating things and none of their jokes are funny.  I'd rather stay home and eat cake than listen to their drivel.  Fortunately, their madness is short-lived.

I didn't go on any dates in the past three days because the aliens have landed, and the likelihood of me turning into a dagger-throwing, cake-fueled, barbarian slicing up a significant portion of Joburg's single male population seemed like a legitimate possibility.  Instead I stayed home, watched National Geographic and tried on all my shoes (they don't talk back)

Why do guys do this??..Part 1

Day 11:

I had a lunch date with one of my really good guy friends.  We've been friends for a few years now.  Hes my "on tap" guy..always available to meet for a quick meal, go shopping, or catch a movie..he's around for the best of times and the worst of times.

Now guys, when you become this close to some girl ..we pretty much see you as a girlfriend with a goodie-goodie..you give up all chance of a relationship with the girl..I mean its NEVER, EVER..(did I say ever?)..gonna happen.  And don't even bring it up..it just screws things up..its the point of no return.

Lunch was so uncomfortable thereafter. I wished I could just click my heels and be home. What followed were long awkward silences, broken with us speaking at the same time, then immediately apologising profusely.  I eventually told him that "its never gonna happen", "don't even think about it", "not in a million years", ( I'm not usually this subtle but given that I didn't want to hurt his feelings I let him down easy)

Felt awful and weird about the whole thing.  I chose the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!  Why do guys do this?

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Day 10:  


Today, after work, I went to Dr Friend's birthday supper.

I joined 8 of my friends at Ghazal, an Indian restaurant in Sunninghill.  The fact that Kenny G played in the background and our waiter spoke to us mainly in Zulu,only slightly detracted from the, otherwise, Indian experience.

Dr Friend and I met as naive first-years at university 10 years ago.  We are both Witsies, and lived together at JCE for a year.   We have been the best of friends ever since.  There is an unbreakable bond that exists between us, based on intellect and bad res food.  We left Wits with post-graduate degrees and a promise to ourselves to eat well!

Dr Friend works tirelessly at one of the public hospitals in Joburg, so we don't get to see each other as often as we used to.  Most of us at the table were single..I mentioned that I had been dating "a bit"... so started the horror stories of disastrous relationships, to be summed up as follows..

1.   The time he broke off the engagement months before the wedding to marry someone else he had met two weeks prior.
2.  The time he didn't tell anyone he was married..
3.  The time he brought his new girlfriend home, even before she moved out.
4.  The time he wanted to shack up with his secretary
5.  The time he went down to Durban for two days and came back with a new car and the gift that keeps on giving..syphilis.

Each story was trumped by the next.  I seriously reconsidered my whole dating idea, and wondered whether it was better to resign myself to being single but syphilis-free.

Dont go out of your weight to please anyone!

Day 9:  Drinks date

Reserve Bank and I have long convoluted conversations about life, love and everything else...(and yes, the answer is 42)..so its always enjoyable meeting with him for drinks.  We made plans to meet at Beach Blanket Bohemia in Sunninghill.  Reserve Bank is very tall....me - not so.  If I stand really close to him, I can easily be mistaken for his tattoo.

Reserve bank and I met a few years ago through a mutual friend.  He's 34, extremely intelligent, but super-modest about his achievements..that's why I like him.  I know he's smart, successful and accomplished, but he doesn't tell me he is.  He, a few years ago, won the Governor's Award for improving banking standards..I only heard about it years later, through another friend.

Reserve Bank told me that he got called in by one of his senior managers, because of complaints from some of the "other" ladies at the office saying that he doesn't speak to them with quite the same sparkle that he has when he speaks to the more attractive ladies.  I know Reserve Bank, and hes not like this.  Anyway to make up for his apparent double standards he bought one of the "other" ladies a muffin.  Now, he has to attend counselling for discrimination..she complained that he suggested she was fat.

We drank to his sorrows, and wished for a world filled only with people that resembled the ones from the opening credits of Baywatch.

Does a date with a gay guy count?

Day 8

Today I got an email from a reader saying that, "Sometimes what youre looking for is right in front of you" - so I looked "right in front" of me and waited for some sort of divine intervention.  At that moment (and Im not making this up) I heard,

"Hi Still Looking" (Obviously he didnt say this, he knows my real name).

"Hi Homosexual", I replied (Obviously I didnt say this, I know his real name)

Homosexual and I have been friends for about a year now.   He's fun, generous, and also my in-house supplier of the latest DVDs.   My morning usually starts with him telling me about his evening and what he made for supper the previous night.  Today I was particulary distracted with an important document and wasnt really paying attention, when he protested, arm on hip, "Still Looking!  Are you listening to me?"

I shot him one of my how-dare-you-insult-my-honour-with-that-question looks, which he countered with a just-been-stabbed-in-the-heart-with-a-rusty-knife look.  I eventually gave in with a never-mind-my-intricate-mortality-calculations, please-go-on-about-the-casserole smile.

To make up for my lack of interest, we had a coffee date after work to get the exact recipe for the casserole. (Kosher, Halaal and Vegetarian options).   I turned down his invitation to set me up with one of his gay friends who had recently made a re-entrance into the world of hetrosexuality..only because I have to wash my hair that day.

Dogs, Ducks and Dentures

Day 7:  Walking date

Today I met up with a good friend of mine to walk our dogs together.  He's in his late 60s.  We met a few years ago when one of my dogs tried to inhale his poodle.

Fossil is a wealth of knowledge - tells me all sorts of interesting facts about cheese, wine and something called "vinyls" (Ok, I know what vinyls are)  He even remembers when Lego first came out!!  He is one of the nicest guys I know.  As we sat on a bench overlooking Zoo Lake, and Fossil told me about the breeds of ducks gliding by, I began to think there would be great benefits to dating a really old guy...

.. If ever I broke my leg, I could borrow his walking stick
...He probably doesn't live with his parents
...If he tries to run away, I would be able to catch him
..If he gets too talkative, I could just hide his teeth
...He'd make a great Who wants to be a Millionaire, phone-a-friend
..He wouldn't have to leave, when I have a girls-night at home, we'd just switch off his hearing aid.
..And as my best friend says - when he dies, you can date his son.

On an even more positive note, the guys at the car dealership changed my light for free!

Stomach in, Chest out!

This morning, before I left for work, I spent over 20min bustling my two, slightly fattish, medium sized dogs into the back of the Doggy Parlour van.  This is always a traumatic process, usually involving me and the driver running around the garden after them, trying to lure them into the van with promises of "Beeno, dunked in gravy" biscuits.  I'm convinced they've come up with a divide-and-conquer strategy against the two of us.  The thing you need to know about my dogs is that they're more ornamental (although complete mix-breeds) than "security" dogs.  However, they are fiercely protective over me, and I over them.

Once a month they go to Lords and Ladies for their "blow-waves" - I highly recommend them.  Maria and Allison, not only do a great job but they really love animals.

At 4.30pm when I called to check if they were home, Maria said, they were about to leave with the last load of drop-offs.  To stave off the pangs of guilt I felt about them spending the whole day there, I decided to pick them up instead of them having to endure the long trip home in the van.

Now last night, an error message came up on my car saying "dipped left beam".  So there I was driving down Louis Botha at 6pm with one light, two restless dogs and a haze of freshly cut dog-hair flying around the car.  Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I got pulled over by the police..

I think I got stopped because of the light - but never found out.  Policewoman started with the usual, "Can I see you drivers licence?"  As I reached for my wallet, Policewoman let out a bloodcurdling shriek, followed by "HAAIBO!" before she ran screaming back to her van.  I figure my girl, a pitch-black dog with reddish eyes, against black leather seats, snuck up on her as she looked through the back window.

I got out and started walking towards Policewoman, which only caused furious gesticulations and heavy screams of "GO GO!!" as she waved me away...and that was it!  I drove home, hungry, tired and covered in dog hair.

On a more positive note, thank you for all the wonderful emails I have received - especially the ladies for the recommendations of your single guy friends.  I will send a personal response to every mail.  The blog received over 200 hits today..I'm surprised that there are so many literate people in Joburg ;)

Thanks again

Cheaper than Therapy

For the past two years Ive had a membership at the Melrose Arch Virgin Active gym..but wait..before you rag on me for being a kugel..its a great gym, with (yes) a premium price, but a small intimate community - just my scene. Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came...etc etc.



To be honest, Ive been going to the gym more for the points I get on my Discovery vitality status than for being fit. I'm in pursuit of the exclusive "Diamond" status.  Yes I know,  its just a lot of marketing crap designed to target the uber-competitive individuals, like myself...but hey..when I'm on diamond status and flying kulula at 35% discounts, we'll see who will be laughing then!


I figure the gym is a good place to meet new people and work off a bit of stress at the same time.  With that in mind I decided to do an hour long class called "Step and Tone".  I was the youngest, by at least 10years, of the five other people in the class...this was gonna be a breeze..or so I thought.


Turns out "Step and Tone" is a Nazi-style, INTENSE WORK-OUT!  Not exactly the kinda thing for someone who enjoys afternoon naps.   I think an entrance requirement to the class should be a full medical including ECGs. Our instructor Lila, was wonderful and super sweet..she was so encouraging and turned a blind eye to the numerous times I was out of step, gasping and panting, and the two occasions I played dead.


I have a new-found respect for the men and women of that class - being healthy and fit is no longer something I associate with youth.  Didn't really stay to chat to the other people in the class afterwards, although they were all very sympathetic to my state - instead I rushed home to spend, what I thought were, my dying moments on the phone with my mum.


I hope to be better next week.

Speed-dating

Date:  11 August 2010

Event 3: Speed-dating

During the throes of my moping phase, and in between realising that my working hours, social circle and general daily routine doesnt create much opportunity to meet new people; I signed up to go speed-dating.  Now that Ive sobered up - im rethinking this idea.  I always thought I’d meet a nice guy at university or at work or at a friends party… not at a club, not on the internet and most certainly not at speed-dating, right?  But, Im not one to back-track on a committment, so on Wednesday night Im going speed-dating.  Will update this post after wednesday.

Blind Date

Date: 8 August 2010

Event 2: Blind Date

Set up by my oh-so-helpful boss.  She says he’s a great guy, (she also thinks our head-banging, snake breeding, profanity spewing, knife wielding colleague is a real softie - while I think she could have bodies in her boot).  

The problem with boss-lady is that she speaks in code.  “He’s great at admin” = hes stupid, “He’s a teddy bear” = hes fat, “He loves children” = yes all four of them, even though he cant remember each of their mothers names.

To her credit, she thinks Im great - and there aint no code in that

Didata and I are gonna go out for coffee  - will update this blog to let you know how it goes.

Birthday at Brightwater

So here starts the challenge..Having just (6 weeks ago) become single, I think the mandatory moping time is up and its time to dip my feet into the dating pool and see if I remember how to swim.

Date: 5 August 2010

Event 1: Birthday party

So yesterday I met a friend of mine for a coffee.  I mentioned we should go out soon - he said, ” How about tomorrow, its my birthday.”  Now really, whats the chances of his birthday being the next day?   Yet, when I checked the reference for all credible information (Facebook)..there it was - 5 Aug!

It was a group of 6 of us - didnt really know anyone except the birthday boy, had a great time though.  Made 4 new friends.

Status: Still single..but now I know how to get to Brightwater Commons.